Ask Coach Nigel
Relationship problems? Lost your girlfriend? Not getting any? No problem is too tough for Coach Nigel.
Dear NigelMy girl friend left me. She said I wasn't romantic enough for her. However, some of the packer girls where I work have got me interested but I'm too shy to talk to them. I've been strapping a pork sausage to my leg before I go to work in hopes of impressing them. I've noticed that sometimes they steal a furtive glance at me and giggle. Is this a good sign?
Damien
Dunstable
Dear DamienYes, that's a good sign. Say, can I have your former girl friend's phone number? I've been told that I'm a romantic kind of guy.
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I coach a girl's netball team and the girls are always stopping by to talk. They're waiting for me when I return from work and they even stop by in the morning on their way to school. I've never met girls who liked to talk so much. I'm so tired I can't get to the office before noon. I even put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my door but it didn't stop them. All they want to do is talk! What should I do?
David
Dunstable
DavidYou definitely need an assistant coach to help you. Coach Nigel is at your service. I will waive my normal fee as I enjoy helping people. I can begin coaching today and they can talk to me all they want. I'm a very good listener.
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Dear Coach Nigel
I hope you can help me.
There is a man where I work who comes to the office with a sausage or something strapped to his leg.
The bulge in his pants is so big that he can't sit down or he'll rip his pants. He has to work the computer standing up but that doesn't seem to bother him. I always feel like he's undressing me with his eyes.
This situation embarrasses me but some of the other packer girls make lewd comments about him. The married packers are the worst. They call him, "his hairiness". What should I do Coach Nigel?
SP
Dunstable
Dear SPFor a man, strapping a sausage to his leg is quite normal and most men do it from time to time. In today's society men are under a lot of pressure which leads to stress, hypertension, and heart attacks. Please give mister trouser trout, bless him, some understanding and compassion as it sounds as if he is one stamp short of going postal. If you really want him to quit walking around with that pork sausage stuffed in his pants, then encourage some of the nasty gutter-mouth packer girls to give him oral. I suspect that will take some of the pressure off him and he'll be relaxed and self-confident enough to quit hiding food under his clothing. If you can't persuade any of those selfish packer gutter sluts to put out, then you should consider it your responsibility to take care of mister porky pants yourself. Quit being so self-centered and only thinking of yourself!
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Coach
I suffered an unfortunate accident and I was dumped by my girl friend. I've adjusted and I'm still getting plenty of oral but in my condition I can no longer have intercourse. What do you suggest?
Ronald
Dunstable
Dear RonaldYou're getting oral and you're complaining? Do you realize that there are unfortunate people in the world so poor they can't afford to get oral? You should quit complaining and count your blessings young man.
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Nigel
I have become attached to my penis suction pump. It started out innocently enough. When I first got my pump (Melissa), I only used it once or twice a day. Now, a year later I feel uneasy going anywhere unless I take Melissa with me. This has caused some embarrassing incidents at the airport and other places. I'm not really interested in meeting women any longer as I have a very satisfying relationship with Melissa. Do you think this is unusual?
Rod
Dunstable
RodIf you're happy and Melissa is happy, that is all that matters.
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Dear Nigel
The bobbies caught me porking the farmer's sheep again. I'm trying to keep it secret from my girlfriend and friends as they'll give me a hard time.
I wasn't hurting anyone and the sheep don't seem to mind as long as you give them a carrot. In fact, when they see me walking across the pasture with carrots in my hand, they all come running. Sometimes it's difficult to choose although I do have my favorites, mind you. The police should be out catching robbers and terrorists instead of ruining the lives of innocent people like me. This is my 9th offense and the judge said that if he ever saw me again I was going to jail. I'm worried the other inmates will tease me. What do you think Coach?Craig
Dunstable
Craig
Don't worry. I think a guy like you will be very popular in prison.----------------------------------
Dear Coach Nigel
Hopefully you can help me. I have a medical condition called involuntary virginity. If I get too close to a woman, I experience a premature you-know-what. It's so embarrassing that I've been avoiding women. My boss David coaches a girl's netball team. Half the girls on the team are nymphomaniacs and the other half are just plain wild. David drags his arse into work every day around one o'clock with a glazed look in his eye. He always says the same thing when he arrives: "I don't want to talk." He has offered to introduce me to members of the team but I'm afraid I'll embarrass myself. What should I do?
Chris
Dunstable
ChrisDo you think that you could arrange a double date? I will take time from my busy schedule to accompany you. With my coaching I guarantee that you won't embarrass yourself. You don't have to thank me; coaching is my life.
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Nigel
My name is Jim and I'm seeking your advice about my younger brother Phil. I'll give you some background first. Phil was a happy baby although even from an early age he had an attitude. He could never seem to get enough to eat and he was a strong-spirited child and had a natural curiousity about things. Phil got good grades and did well in school. He never missed church and was popular with his teachers and the clergy. As a boy he was very fond of his pets. Our family didn't own a television but Phil always found other ways to entertain himself. Phil never wasted time. If he had a spare moment, he always found something productive to do. He developed a real interest in gardening and even won some prizes at the fairs for his vegetables. In college he met girls by dressing up in funny costumes. I think it was because of the costumes that he got his nickname: dickhead. The costume angle worked well and he met lots of women although some were the wrong type like the one he caught abusing his cat. His new girl friend though, is nice and she helped him decorate his new house. Phil is popular at the pubs and the punters like his new tattoo. During the summer he likes to go to the beach. When daily pressures get too much, Phil doesn't take it out on anyone, he merely takes a brisk walk or he goes for a swim to let off steam. Life has been good to my brother but last week someone dognapped his dog. There are no leads so far but the #1 suspect is a crazy American he knows. All that aside, my main reason for writing you is that my brother has become hooked on crack. What advice can you give?
Thanking you in advance,
Jim Reed
Dear JimThe major problem with crack is that the more you do it, the more weight you gain. By the way, do you think your brother would let me borrow his dickhead costume?
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have a sex Question? fetishes, dildos, lubricants, gerbils, bondage, nothing is too bizarre for the prince of porn, the king of kink, the sultan of sleaze.
Ask Phil
Dear filthy Phil
I was thinking of buying a latex surrogate companion but they're awfully expensive. Do you know if they are as good as the ads claim they are?
Ronald
Dunstable
Dear Ronald
Lucky for you I happen to already own some Real DollTM surrogate personal companions.The Real DollTM is the state of the art. Unlike some lower priced models, there are no nasty electrical shocks. (Ouch!)
I "field tested" some of the Real DollsTM in a variety of
positionssituations over 300 times and there are no visible signs of wear (on the Real DollTM, that is, as for me, I'm very much the worse for wear!).When I come home after a hard day at the office, my Real DollTM Kimiko is waiting for me. Kimiko never has a headache, never calls me pencil dick, and always keeps a stiff upper lip. In fact I'm getting oral as I type this.
On the peter meter, I give the X4G a 5 star rating.
Dear Phil
I was thinking of ordering the James Bond Penis Grower System. The before and after pictures are tempting me to send them a check. Before I order, I thought I'd ask the advice of an expert. What do you think?Damien
Dunstable
Dear Damien
To research your question, I purchased the James Bond Penis Grower System which guarantees you'll lengthen your Johnson or they'll refund your money. The System requires hanging progressively heavier weights from your genitals. I used the system twice a day for 3 months and it works as advertised. My love muscle is now twice as long as before.However, there is a down side they don't mention in the ads. The increase in length is accompanied by a reduction in girth. I guess the increase in length has to come from somewhere. Without being overly graphic, let's just say that if I were to paint my Johnson yellow, it would look like a No. 2 pencil without the eraser. James Bond Penis Grower System graduates had better get used to being called "pencil dick".
On the peter meter, I give the James Bond Penis Grower System a minus 5 star rating.
In my next report I will compare the various penis pumps on the market (the good, the bad, and the ugly). Those of you who are still using penis pumps from the 20th century are in for a surprise. Penis pumps have gone high tech with features like pistol handle grips and industrial grade pressure gauges. Until next time, cheers, ciao, sayonara, and don't let your meat loaf.
Phil
